Although most of us dont realize it, we are in the construction business. Much of the time, we are building bridges. Sometimes we spend a great deal of time constructing elaborate bridges that are meant to stand forever. Sometimes we build less stable bridges that become cracked and need new concrete to fix them. And at other times, we are demolishing and tearing down the spans that connect opposite sides. In reality, our bridges extend out to other people, inviting the give-and-take involved in any relationship. Like bridges, our relationships are only as good as the effort we put into their construction. We can learn to build better bridges that will lead to better relationships. But first, we have to learn some fundamentals of architecture. Relationship building was not taught to us in any formal program: it was something we picked up by observing others, usually our parents or someone else in our immediate family. Not all of us had perfect role models, and so many of us dont formally understand the dynamics of relationships. But all that is changing. One reason is because of the abundance of material that is published on the subject of love and relationships. Another reason is a change in attitudes caused by the new world we are living in. Many younger people of today do not want to follow in their parents footsteps. Most of the parents of today grew up during the Industrial Age, where work meant security, no matter how bad the job. And they often focused on material things. They would work hard to get the things they wanted. As a result, their relationships often took a backseat to their work. The younger generation of today have a different ethic. In the Information Age they know that to be successful you have to work smarter and not harder. They know you have to work hard, but they wont sell their souls. The younger generation of today is much more conscious of the role that relationships play in their happiness. The most rewarding relationships are at home with those you deeply love, your spouse, children, and parents. These key relationships can provide supreme gratification. If someone has his or her home life in order, often the other aspects of their life are working well too. But the home can be a real pressure cooker, and it takes time and effort to make these relationships work. Just as good relationships take time to build, the erosion of relationships doesnt happen overnight. Its a gradual process, developing as pressure mounts over the years. Life is simpler when youre younger, you dont have children and you dont have any major hassles. But, in 10 years, things change. You now have a mortgage, car payments, doctor bills, and college tuition to think about. Youre constantly thinking about how to survive. And, before you know it, youre not putting any time into your relationships, especially with your spouse, the most important person in your life. Your relationship has gone from a top priority to a low one. Thats when you have to get your life back in order. How do you reestablish your relationship? Here are four ways that will help: 1. Spend more time together. People dont spend enough time with each other. Some problem or event always takes precedent. You have to set aside time for each other and stick to your time commitment. 2. Spend more time talking. Open the line of communication. Dont just talk about the problems youre experiencing. Talk about your hopes and goals for the future. 3. Spend more time touching. People often hold back from showing affection as relationships erode. Maintain the intimacy through touching. It keeps you close and connected. 4. Establish trust. All relationships survive on trust. Its important to convey trust to your partner constantly. Getting a relationship at home back on track is possible. But it takes time, at least 10 to 12 months. So its important for you to take things slowly. Dont try to a lot of changes all at once. Just make one major change at a time. You can often prevent yourself from ever having relationship problems in the first place by constantly reexamining your life. Discuss your goals and priorities with your spouse or partner. The process of acquiring material possessions, status, and success has taken its toll on many relationships. You dont want to damage your relationship as you pursue the American Dream. To maintain a good relationship with someone either at home or at work, you must realize the he or she is a person who deserves to be treated with respect, courtesy, and dignity. You must avoid making judgments about him or her. You must see the other person as your equal. This is a fundamental building block for relationships, but its amazing how many people disregard it. Ask yourself this question, and be honest when you answer: When I meet someone, am I making judgments regarding this person, which will get in the way of a relationship, or am I genuinely interested in knowing this person? Many people make judgments when they first meet someone. They will say to themselves: This person is old or I dont like the way this person is dressed. When you do this, it automatically creates stumbling blocks for a successful relationship. Its amazing how many parents dont really communicate with their children. This doesnt happen when the kids are younger; it happens when they grow into adults and develop their own ideas and lifestyles. Many parents are never willing to relinquish the role of authority, and this leads to conflict. Whereas, if they were to look at their children as adults, everything would be equal. Upholding this principle is equally important in the workplace. At work, it is very important to have equally-minded, non-threatening relationships. For example, it can be clear from the start that you are the person in charge of the department, the boss. But its important to treat everyone with the dignity and respect they deserve. If that comes through loud and clear, your subordinates will do their jobs more effectively, and you will come out ahead in the long run. You will have earned their trust and respect. When pursuing better relationships, three behaviors that must be set aside, or eliminated completely, are jealousy, possessiveness, and competition. Jealousy is an unconscious desire to suffer and blame other people for our pain. Our ego gives us double messages. On one hand, it tells us to seek love because our heart is empty, and, on the other hand, it tells us that we cant trust love because sooner or later, well be rejected. When we feel jealous, it seems to prove the ego right. Our ego may disguise jealousy as love. We do this by stating that we have the other persons best interests in mind when, in reality, we are attempting to control and possess the other person. The need to totally possess another person is damaging to a healthy relationship. The ego wants to possess things and people, and it is never satisfied. No matter what it gets, it is never enough, and because love is missing, it frequently becomes bored with its possessions. An extraordinary need for competition is equally harmful. Our lack of self-confidence often drives us to see our sense of self-worth outside ourselves. This is often expressed in competition. When we perform better than another person, we may feel good about ourselves momentarily. But when another person performs better than we do, we often feel jealous because it triggers our own lack of self-worth. These three behaviors, jealousy, possessiveness, and competition, reflect our own fears and insecurities. But we can combat these destructive behaviors by unconditionally accepting the ones we love. When we do this, it causes these three tendencies to fade and become less and less of an influence in our relationships. Thats when better, longer, and more satisfying relationships can be established. A healthy relationship is worth any price. Yet it cant be bought with money. Take the time to build good friendships gradually, and keep a vigilant watch so that you dont undermine your efforts with destructive tendencies. If you are working on reconstructing an existing relationship, be patient and persevere. And remember, anything that happened before is simply water under the bridge. Copyright by Joe Love and JLM & Associates, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. |
